Why women can’t lead like men

Controversial heading, right?

Good.

I wanted to get your attention on International Women’s Day.

While I don’t like it and don’t want the world to be like this, this theme has kept recurring over the last few weeks.

Women can’t be the same type of leaders as men.

This isn’t new. It’s a well-known problem. But when you’re reminded of it, repeatedly, in different rooms, with different people, it lands like a slap in the face.

Not because it surprises you. Because it confirms what you already know.

Women can lead. Women do lead. Women are leading brilliantly. But we’re often not allowed to lead the way men do, without paying a price.

What we wear

Let’s start with the most ridiculous one.

As female leaders, what we wear is scrutinised in a way a man’s suit rarely is. Too feminine. Too corporate. Too bold. Too plain. Trying too hard. Not making an effort.

The most controversial thing a male leader can do is not wear a tie. Ooooh. Scandal. For women, it’s different. What we wear, to which event, in which room, with which people, changes how we are perceived.

And the thing that makes me tired is the fact that it’s still happening in 2026. A woman’s competence can’t stand on its own, without people commenting on her appearance as well.

And it’s not just men doing it, either.

An acting Band 1 in a government department was told that unless she wore a navy or grey suit, she wouldn’t be taken seriously or get her job permanently… by another woman.

A female leader told me the other day that she judged a woman she interviewed because she wore a short skirt and a lot of makeup. She knew she shouldn’t. She said that straight away. But then she said something that hit hard. She wasn’t judging her personally, she was trying to predict whether the organisation, which is primarily men, would take her seriously.

That is the part we don’t talk about enough.

Sometimes women aren’t policing other women because they want to.
They’re doing it because they’ve learned what happens if they don’t.

How we are portrayed

Then there’s the way women are framed publicly.

At Senate Estimates last week, a government agency CEO was asked if she had ever said a male colleague was “mansplaining” to her.

Let’s just sit with that for a moment.

A CEO. At Estimates, where the parliament scrutinises the work of the public service.

It’s so revealing that even when women reach the highest levels of leadership, the conversation can still be dragged back into a place where they are treated as being emotional, reactive, petty, or overly sensitive.

Because the system is clever like that. It knows how to keep women on the back foot while appearing to be “just asking questions”.

This happens in workplaces too.

Female leaders are more often pressured to prove their competence, justify decisions in greater detail, and repeatedly demonstrate their expertise, especially in high-stakes environments with public scrutiny.

What we do is often reframed when it wouldn’t be for a man.

How we are perceived

And then there’s the daily grind. The one that doesn’t make the headlines but shapes careers.

One of my clients, a senior leader, was told by a direct report that she was “just a diversity hire”. Not because she wasn’t competent. Because she was a woman, and he thought he deserved her job.

It’s hard to describe how corrosive that is for your confidence.

Because it doesn’t just question your role. It questions your right to be there at all. Your authority as a leader. Your ability to do the job.

It’s a reminder that no matter how many qualifications you have, how many wins you’ve delivered, how many teams you’ve led, someone can still decide your leadership is an accident.

Men are allowed a range of behaviours and are excused for it. Women are allowed a narrow band of behaviour that must somehow be:

Strong, but not intimidating.
Smart, but not threatening.
Warm, but not soft.
Ambitious, but not “pushy”.
Visible, but not “attention seeking”.

All at the same time.

The quiet cost of always calculating

If that sounds exhausting, it’s because it is. Every female leader I know is tired because of the mental load of thinking about how they act and how they may be perceived.

The women I work with are not lacking in skill, ambition, or capability. They’re lacking permission.

Permission to lead without constantly calculating the cost.

What will people think if I say this?
How will this land if I wear that?
Will they call me aggressive?
Will they say I’m emotional?
Will they assume I got here only because I am a woman?

This is the part that drains energy and shrinks people over time. Not the work. The constant management of other people’s perception.

So what do we do with this on International Women’s Day?

This year’s theme is balance the scales.

It is time to think about what equality requires. Not more performance, resilience or grit from women. Not more leadership training or coaching to be more like men.

Balancing the scales means giving women leaders what men have long taken for granted. The benefit of the doubt. The freedom to be direct. The space to be ambitious. The right to lead in their own way.

This International Women’s Day, choose one behaviour you will do to stop penalising in women in leadership roles.

Stop judging women leaders on parameters that don’t apply to men.
Stop being silent. Call out bias in meetings, especially when it’s subtle.
Support a woman who needs space to be an authentic leader.
Question your assumptions every time you look at a female leader.

Because the scales do not balance themselves.

The leadership we need now

Here’s the truth. We don’t need women to lead like men.

We need women to lead like women, without being judged for it.

We need leadership that is both strategic and compassionate. Direct and empathetic. Ambitious and collaborative.

Imagine if all organisations were led like this.

We need the kind of leadership that can make hard calls and still build trust.

And honestly, if the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that the “traditional” masculine leadership model isn’t exactly working.

So yes, the heading is controversial. But the reality underneath it is not.

Women can’t be leaders like men. Because the world doesn’t let them.

Not yet.

But we can change that. We can #balancethescales