Why do we say yes when we want to say no?

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“Can you just put together a factsheet quickly?”

*Internal voice: No. Factsheets are a terrible idea. They’re hard to search, often inaccessible, and no one wants to download anything these days.*

“Sure.”

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“We just need a quick 5–10 minute video.”

*Internal voice: Nobody needs a 10-minute video. That’s not quick. We need 30-second clips for socials. No one has that kind of attention span anymore. Also, do you know how much that’ll cost? Do you know how long it will take me?*

“Let me look into it.”

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We’ve all done it.

Maybe it’s your fifth conversation like this today.

Maybe the person asking is someone you’ve had this exact discussion with before.

Maybe it’s just pre-coffee.

Whatever the reason, I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and the person sitting next to you has done it too.

A 2023 survey of communications professionals released in February 2023 found that only 45% of communications professionals feel they have a say in what and how things are communicated. Let that sink in…more than half of us don’t get to influence how we do our jobs. We’re hired for our expertise but often excluded from the conversations about how to use it.

We said have all said yes when we really wanted to say no.

It’s human nature. But here’s what’s really going on

There are a few key reasons why we say yes when we mean no. The big one is, it is human nature.

• Fear of conflict: Saying no can feel confrontational. We worry about damaging the relationship, getting yelled at or worse being overruled anyway. Who hasn’t said no, only to have someone go around you?
• Desire to please: Many communicators are wired to please. Especially when it’s a client, someone senior, or a person we want to impress. The people-pleaser in me is constantly at war with the professional who knows better.
• Pressure: As a so-called “corporate service,” we’re often expected to be helpful and accommodating. Say no too many times, and suddenly “comms are a roadblock.” We’ve all heard it.
• Lack of boundaries: If we haven’t clearly set expectations, it’s harder to push back. Once you say yes to a weird or unreasonable request, it gets harder to say no next time.
• It’s cognitively easier: Yes takes less brain effort than saying no. Your brain sees a fork in the road and picks the path of least resistance. That’s agreeing to what is being asked of you.

Why it’s ok — even necessary — to say no

Saying no isn’t rude or unprofessional. In fact, it’s often the most professional thing you can do. It protects your time, your team, your sanity — and ironically, it usually results in a better outcome for the person making the request.

Tips for saying no (without getting fired):

• Be direct and clear: State your refusal clearly. Don’t leave room for ambiguity. Say no plainly and explain why.
• Stop apologising: Don’t start with an apology. Sorry, but it’s not your fault. Women and communicators have a terrible habit of starting a sentence with, “I’m really sorry, but we can’t deliver that 20 minute video because we don’t have the staff or the funding to do it.” We have earned our place and our expertise, don’t apologise for having an opinion.
• Offer an alternative: Offer an alternative solution or approach that may meet the client’s needs in a different way. Present your reasoning and an example of where it has been used successfully before.
• Be empathetic: Acknowledge that you haven’t delivered what the client expected and express your understanding. (But stand firm!)
• Educate: Use this as a chance to educate them about what your team does and why. Explain your capacity and limitations, or the rules around how your channels work.

The more you practice saying no, the more comfortable you will become with it. You don’t have to be unprofessional or rude, be clear, polite and firm. If you are nervous prepare beforehand and know what you need to say.

Remember, saying no is not a sign of failure. It’s a sign of professionalism and self-respect. We are the experts in our field, and it’s acceptable for us to have an opinion on how our work should be delivered. It’s important to value your time and expertise, and to set boundaries that enable you to deliver your best work.